I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
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