So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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