it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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