I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
