even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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