What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
