So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Randomize
