I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
