i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
