remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
