I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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