I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
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