How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
