The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
