I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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