just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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