Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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