I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
