Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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