If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Randomize
