I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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