i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
