low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
