can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
