giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
