what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
