Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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