Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
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