There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
