Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
