You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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