I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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