I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Randomize
