Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Randomize
