what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Randomize
