How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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