I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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