forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
