So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
