I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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