I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
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