consequently i now know what mace tastes like
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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