Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
