1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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