I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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