They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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