I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
