he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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