i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
