You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
