I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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