How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
