I puked a lego.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
My dick has a subreddit
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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