how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
and you said cock pushups were impossible
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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