Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
