I just pynch a tree in the face
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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