there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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