mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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