Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Randomize
