Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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