I'm so fucking centered right now
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
